Why We Need Relationships: The Link Between Connection, Emotion and the Social Brain

How Relationships Shape the Brain and Mental Health

"Why Do We Seek Connection?"

This is a question I often ask in therapy, and one that many people, regardless of age or neurotype, find surprisingly difficult to answer. We seem to know the value of connection instinctively, but putting it into words can feel strangely out of reach.

Research shows that the need for human connection is not just emotional, it is biological. From the moment we’re born, we’re wired to connect. Babies seek eye contact, toddlers reach out for comfort, and adults long for closeness, even when it's hard to admit. Relationships help us regulate our feelings, develop a sense of self, and make sense of the world around us. Our brains are shaped by interaction. Connection supports emotional resilience, memory, and even immune function.

Attachment theory reminds us that it is through relationships that we learn how to feel safe, express our needs, and manage the ups and downs of life. We carry these early templates into adulthood, shaping how we relate to partners, friends, colleagues and children.

Authors like John Bowlby, Harville Hendrix, and John Gottman have explored these dynamics in different but overlapping ways. Bowlby helped us understand how early bonds form the basis for emotional regulation. Hendrix teaches that our closest relationships often mirror unfinished emotional business from childhood — and offer a chance to heal. Gottman reminds us that good relationships are not about avoiding conflict but knowing how to stay present through it.

This blog explores why connection matters, how relationships affect our mental health, and how we can build more secure, stable bonds — whether we are healing, growing, parenting or simply trying to understand ourselves and others better.

The Social Brain: How Relationships Shape Our Mind and Mood

Human beings are not built to go it alone. Our nervous systems are designed to work in relationship with others. We learn who we are, and how to feel, through the people around us.

From early infancy, the brain is shaped by interaction. When a baby is held, comforted or spoken to, their brain responds by growing new pathways. When they are ignored, left alone in distress or misunderstood, the nervous system adapts to protect itself, often by tuning out, shutting down or becoming hyper-alert to  perceived danger.

This process doesn’t stop in childhood. As adults, we continue to respond to the emotional environment around us. A calm conversation can soothe anxiety. A look of disapproval can trigger shame. We are constantly adjusting to the presence, tone and attention of others, often without realising it.

This is the heart of emotional regulation. We don’t just regulate ourselves, we regulate through each other. A safe, attuned relationship can reduce stress, calm the body and make it easier to think clearly. But a relationship marked by criticism, unpredictability or neglect can have the opposite effect, leaving us agitated, confused or shut down.

This is why connection is essential to mental health. It’s not a luxury or a soft skill. It’s a biological need, and one of the strongest protective factors against stress, anxiety and emotional overwhelm.

Born This Way: Why Some Children Struggle Despite ‘Good Enough’ Parenting

While abuse and neglect negatively impact development, not all differences aren't caused by parenting.  Some children come into the world more sensitive, intense, or reactive than others. These traits are part of some children's unique neurobiology, shaped by genetics, temperament and early brain development.

In therapy, I often meet families where parents are doing everything right, providing warmth, structure and connection, and still, the child struggles. They might have big feelings, difficulty calming down, or trouble reading social cues. They may lash out or withdraw, not because they are badly behaved, but because they are overwhelmed by their inner world.

We now know that emotional regulation starts in the body and brain, not with discipline or logic. Some children simply have more reactive nervous systems. Their stress response activates more quickly. Their ability to pause, reflect or recover takes longer. This can make daily life feel like a constant uphill battle, not only for the child, but also for the parent who is trying to stay calm and connected.

Good parenting doesn’t always lead to easy relationships. And struggling to connect with a child does not mean you’ve failed. In fact, recognising the mismatch and staying in the relationship is one of the most powerful things a parent can do.

When a child feels seen and accepted, even in their most difficult moments, they begin to build the inner safety needed to regulate, relate and grow. It’s not about perfection.

When connection is difficult: emotional dysregulation, trauma and the fragmented self

While we are wired for connection, not everyone finds it easy to stay close to others. For many people, especially those with histories of trauma, neurodevelopmental differences or personality sensitivities, closeness can feel confusing, overwhelming or even unsafe.

Emotional dysregulation, or the difficulty managing feelings in a way that fits the moment, is one of the most common challenges in therapy. It can show up in many forms: sudden anger, withdrawal, people pleasing or intense fear of abandonment. While biology plays a major role in how we relate, these patterns are often reinforced by nervous systems shaped by early experiences of misattunement, relational chaos or inconsistency. When early relationships teach us that emotions are too much, unsafe or ignored, those lessons can stay with us for life.

Sometimes, people respond by masking, working hard to seem calm or capable while struggling underneath. Others might become dependent or act out in relationships that feel intense or uncertain. These reactions are not flaws. They are strategies, often developed early, to cope with fear, rejection or emotional confusion.

Whether shaped by trauma, ADHD, autism, difficulties with emotional regulation, or personality structure, the result can be similar: a fragile or shifting sense of self, difficulty managing emotions, and a deep longing for connection that feels just out of reach.

Therapy offers a chance to explore these patterns with curiosity and care. Over time, a stable and emotionally grounded relationship can help rebuild the capacity to connect, not perfectly, but safely. In that space, difference can be tolerated, needs can be named, and the work of healing can begin.

Why Loneliness Hurts: Rejection, Isolation and the Pain of Disconnection

Loneliness is more than just a passing feeling, it can be a source of deep emotional and physical distress. Research shows that social pain, such as rejection or exclusion, activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. This helps explain why being left out, ghosted or feeling invisible can hurt so much.

We are social creatures by design. From an evolutionary perspective, being connected to others once meant survival. Being part of a group protected us from threat and increased our chances of safety and care. That legacy is still wired into our nervous system. When we feel disconnected, our body reads it as danger.

This is why long-term isolation is linked not just to emotional struggles like depression and anxiety, but also to physical health issues such as inflammation, poor sleep, and even a weakened immune system. We are not meant to carry life alone.

But loneliness isn’t only about being alone. It’s about not feeling seen, understood or emotionally safe. You can feel profoundly lonely in a crowded room or even in a relationship that lacks emotional connection. People who feel chronically misunderstood (including those with ADHD, ASD, trauma histories or relational difficulties) often carry a hidden loneliness, even when surrounded by others.

Understanding the pain of disconnection helps us move toward compassion, for ourselves and others. It reminds us that the desire for belonging is not weakness. It is a core part of what makes us human.

Real Relationships: It’s Not About Being Perfect, It’s About Repair

I often come across the idealised belief that strong relationships are effortless, that the right people will just understand each other, communicate perfectly and never argue. In truth, every relationship includes moments of misunderstanding, disconnection or hurt. What matters is not avoiding conflict or difficult feelings, but knowing how to come back from it.

In secure relationships, people are able to make mistakes, reflect and reconnect. A missed message can be clarified. A harsh word can be followed by a genuine apology. These small moments of repair build trust. Over time, they create the emotional safety needed for a relationship to deepen and grow.

Relationship experts have shown that it’s not the presence of conflict that predicts whether a relationship will last, it’s how people respond to it. Do they shut down or become defensive? Or can they stay in the conversation and move toward repair?

We also bring our own histories to every relationship. Old wounds, unmet needs and learned patterns can shape how we respond to closeness or distance. Someone who fears abandonment may become angry or withdrawn when they feel overlooked. Another person might suppress their needs entirely to avoid conflict. These patterns often operate outside of awareness, but they can be brought into the light, understood and softened.

Real relationships don’t require perfection. They require presence, accountability and repair. They ask us to stay connected not only when things are easy, but also when they are messy.

Seven Habits of Emotionally Healthy Relationships

While relationships are shaped by biology and early experience, they are also something we can practise. Whether with friends, family, partners, colleagues or clients, emotional connection grows when we approach others with intention and care. Here are seven habits that support safety, resilience and trust across all types of relationships:

1. Be curious, not critical

   When tension arises, pause before reacting. Instead of criticising, ask: What might be going on for them? Curiosity opens the door to understanding.

   
   

2. Speak with clarity and kindness

   Use language that expresses how you feel and what you need, rather than assigning blame. “I felt left out yesterday” lands better than “You ignored me.”

   
   

3. Listen to understand, not to fix

   Often, people want to feel heard more than they want advice. Let the other person know you’re listening. Reflect back what you hear before offering solutions.

   
   

4. Repair after rupture

   Disconnection is part of all relationships. What strengthens them is how we return. A sincere check-in, apology or small act of care helps rebuild trust.

   
   

5. Create emotional safety

   Relationships need room for vulnerability. Try to avoid defensiveness, sarcasm or stonewalling. Make it easier for each other to be open and real.

   
   

6. Nurture connection through small moments

   Shared humour, checking in, or simply being present. These are the quiet threads that hold relationships together. Don’t underestimate the power of ordinary warmth.

   
   

7. Use challenges as a chance to grow

   All relationships go through difficult patches. What matters is whether we can stay connected enough to reflect, adapt and learn from them.

Therapy as Rehearsal: Learning to Trust, One Relationship at a Time

Many people come to therapy not just to feel better, but to relate better to themselves and others. For those who have experienced emotional neglect, trauma or inconsistent connection, therapy offers something rare: a steady relationship that doesn’t demand performance, perfection or self-erasure.

The therapeutic space becomes a kind of rehearsal room, a place to practise being in relationship without the usual defences. You might notice yourself pulling away when things feel too close, or fearing judgment when you express anger or sadness. These moments matter. They show what has been painful or unsafe in the past.

The therapist’s role is not to fix, but to stay present. To name what’s happening with care. To model that emotions can be tolerated, explored and repaired, without shame or overwhelm.

This is particularly powerful for people who have learned to survive by disconnecting, over-adapting or masking their true feelings. In therapy, they can begin to experiment with a different way of being, one where they can stay connected, even when they are struggling.

Over time, this builds a deeper kind of trust. Not just in the therapist, but in the possibility that safe, stable connection is possible elsewhere too. Therapy becomes a bridge, from old patterns to new ones, from fear to trust, from surviving to relating.

Why Relationships Matter 

We form relationships not just for company, but because they shape us. They help us regulate, reflect and grow. They remind us who we are, especially in times of stress or uncertainty. And when they’re steady and respectful, they can become a place of healing, a space where emotional patterns are gently reshaped and self-worth is restored.

But connection is not always easy. For some, it has been a source of confusion, loss or overwhelm. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means something important may have been missing, misattuned or misunderstood.

What matters is not whether relationships have been perfect,  but whether we are willing to stay curious, to repair when things go wrong, and to keep reaching toward something more honest and safe. Growth in relationships doesn’t come from getting it right all the time. It comes from practising what it means to be real and to stay.

Written by Kirstan Lloyd, Clinical Psychologist

Founder of the Helix Centre, a UK-based psychology and psychotherapy practice specialising in neurodiversity, mental health, and therapeutic assessment. This article was written by Kirstan with the support of AI research tools and is grounded in recent literature from psychology, neuroscience, and trauma-informed care.

References

• Fonagy, P., & Target, M. (2003). Psychoanalytic Theories: Perspectives from Developmental Psychopathology. Whurr Publishers.

• Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. Crown Publishers.

• Cozolino, L. (2014). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain. Norton.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Orion.

• Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin's Press.

• Mate, G. (2008). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. Knopf Canada.

• Ensink, K., et al. (2014). Mentalization in children and mothers in the context of trauma. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 32(1), 1–12.

• Fonagy, P. (2021). Attachment, reflective function, and trauma. Infant Mental Health Journal, 42(3), 330–342.

  
  

(Note: References were used for conceptual framing and clinical accuracy. This is not an academic article.)