Mind the Gap: The Space Between the Experience and Expression of Self

What the world sees isn’t always what we feel. This post offer a neurodivergent perspective on masking, identity, and executive function in autism, ADHD, and BPD.

Introduction

The concept of “masking” is increasingly used when thinking about neurodiversity. It is used to describe the act of concealing or compensating for traits that may be socially unacceptable or misunderstood.

But masking is not exclusive to neurodivergence. It is a universal human behaviour seen in all neurotypes. Masking is deeply rooted in our psychological development and social evolution.

So what makes it different, and arguably more harmful, for neurodivergent individuals?

This article explores masking through a neurodevelopmental lens, looking at how executive functions (EFs) help us align our internal state with our outward presentation. It also considers how neurotype, temperament, and early relational experiences shape the development of identity, emotional expression, and intimacy.

What Is Masking? 

Masking refers to the act of suppressing or concealing internal experiences to conform to social expectations. It includes modifying tone, posture, language, interests, facial expressions, or emotional responses in ways that feel performative, effortful, or alienating.

• Neurotypical individuals mask via politeness, small talk, and emotional restraint

• Masking helps maintain social cohesion and regulate interpersonal dynamics

• It becomes problematic when it suppresses authentic experience or causes chronic emotional exhaustion

• In autistic people, masking might involve copying neurotypical social behaviours (e.g., making eye contact, mimicking small talk)

• In ADHDers, masking may involve concealing impulsivity, distraction, or emotional dysregulation

• In people with BPD, it might mean hiding intense emotional states or mimicking perceived norms to avoid abandonment

Masking can perhaps be understood as an attempt to mediate our internal impulses with the demands of society. But behind the mask is a person working hard to survive socially, not necessarily to thrive emotionally. Additionally, a false self can emerge from this process.

Is Masking Unique to Neurodivergent People?

 No. All humans mask. In fact, masking can be seen as a normal part of social interaction. We filter our words, regulate our tone, and adjust our behaviour depending on the context.

• Neurotypicals generally have consistent, well-integrated systems making masking less taxing or detrimental

• They can regulate emotions, inhibit responses, and flexibly shift between social roles

• Their masked exterior selves and internal selves are often closely aligned, reducing distress and appearing more authentic

This kind of masking is supported by robust executive function. It is flexible, context-sensitive, and does not lead to a sense of fragmentation. In other words, neurotypical masking is often strategic, not survival-driven.

The problem arises when masking becomes chronic, compulsive, or identity-erasing. For many neurodivergent people, masking is not a choice, it is a necessary condition for belonging.

Neurobiology and Executive Function 

Executive functions are a set of higher-order cognitive processes governed primarily by the prefrontal cortex. They help us manage attention, regulate emotions, plan actions, shift between tasks, and inhibit impulses.

In neurotypical development, EF skills are:

• Built through early co-regulation and relational scaffolding

• Strengthened by consistent structure and predictable environments

• Supported by intact connections between the prefrontal cortex and subcortical emotion-processing areas (e.g., amygdala, insula)

Healthy EF allows for:

• Internal emotional regulation without excessive shutdown or reactivity

• Flexibility in navigating changing social contexts

• A cohesive and stable sense of self

But in neurodivergent individuals or those with early trauma, these systems may not develop as expected.

• Autistic individuals often experience sensory overload, cognitive rigidity, or interoceptive challenges that limit flexible self-regulation

• ADHD is characterised by deficits in working memory, inhibition, and sustained attention

• BPD features emotional instability and impulsivity

Without adequate EF development, the gap between internal experience and external expression widens. The result is a fragile or fragmented self, one that may appear composed outwardly but feels incoherent or exhausted within.

The Development of Self and the Role of EF 

A healthy sense of self emerges from the integration of:

• Sensory experience (how we feel)

• Memory (what we’ve been through)

• Emotion (how we react)

• Cognitive control (how we regulate and reflect)

Executive functions help hold these domains together. When they work well, there is a small gap between the self we experience internally and the self we express. We can mask strategically, but it doesn’t cost us our identity.

When they don’t work well, that gap becomes a chasm. We may begin to feel fake, lost, or confused about who we really are. This is especially true in neurodivergent people who were praised for being quiet, compliant, or high-achieving, despite a deep internal mismatch.

This is the “gap” we are speaking of: the space between what is felt and what is shown.

The False Self and Its Costs

The “false self” is a defensive psychological structure developed to meet the expectations of others. Over time, especially when reinforced by praise or survival needs, the false self can become dominant.

• Autistic girls may learn to smile, mimic, or suppress stimming to avoid bullying

• ADHDers may learn to appear competent while hiding internal chaos

• People with BPD may shapeshift to avoid rejection, even if it erodes their identity

In these cases, the mask is not a tool, it is a shield.

Living from the false self can lead to:

• Burnout and emotional exhaustion

• Identity confusion

• Disconnection from bodily cues and emotions

• Difficulty forming intimate, reciprocal relationships

How Does This Affect Relationships? 

Intimacy is the capacity to share one’s inner world with another while feeling safe, seen, and accepted. It requires emotional regulation, interoceptive awareness, and trust, capacities that are closely tied to executive function.

When masking becomes the default, intimacy suffers. Vulnerability feels unsafe. Connection feels effortful. The fear of being “found out” as messy, inconsistent, or too much leads to withdrawal or over-accommodation.

True intimacy requires:

• Self-awareness (knowing what you feel)

• Self-expression (being able to communicate it)

• Trust (believing it will be received without judgment)

When EF deficits, trauma, or neurodivergence interfere with these abilities, intimacy can feel dangerous.

Rebuilding Integration: What Can Help? 

The goal is not to remove all masking but to reduce its cost and close the gap between internal and external experience. When executive functions are supported, identity becomes more coherent, and the burden of self-presentation lessens. Here are several integrated strategies that can support this process:

• Learn how your brain works. Begin by understanding that executive function is a developmental system, not a moral failing. Many adults carry shame about struggles with planning, regulation, or expression, when in reality, these reflect underdeveloped scaffolding rather than laziness or weakness. Education reduces self-blame and builds compassion.

  
  

• Tune into your body. Practices that improve interoception—such as breathwork, yoga, or body scans—can help you notice when you are disconnecting or shifting into performance mode. These sensory check-ins become anchors for authenticity. Over time, this builds self-trust and reduces automatic masking.

  
  

• Make safety a felt experience. Healing begins in safe relational contexts, where you can experiment with showing more of your internal world without fear of rejection. Whether this is in therapy or a well-boundaried friendship, co-regulation helps restore the ability to be seen without performing.

  
  

• Reduce the mental load of performing. Structure your environment to do some of the regulating for you. Use routines, visual cues, and predictability to minimise decision fatigue. The less energy spent on managing how you are perceived, the more can be directed toward showing up as you are.

  
  

• Get curious about your inner parts. Many people develop a “false self” to survive in environments where their authentic needs or traits were not accepted. Using parts work or narrative therapy, explore who this self protects, what it fears, and what it needs now. This brings coherence to identity and softens the split between external persona and internal reality.

  
  

• Practise emotional pausing. Integration doesn’t require emotional fluency overnight—but building micro-moments where you pause before reacting helps. Over time, this strengthens internal boundaries and allows you to respond rather than perform.

  
  

• Use creative expression. Art, movement, writing, and other embodied forms of expression allow parts of the self to emerge that may be harder to access verbally. These practices offer a low-stakes way to explore identity and bridge gaps between feeling and form.

  
  

• Rehearse safe vulnerability. Intimacy is a skill, not a trait. Practise sharing parts of your internal experience—what you’re feeling, what you’re avoiding, what you wish you could say—in small doses. Look for how it lands. Adjust. Repeat. Over time, you build tolerance for being real.

These are not quick fixes. They are repeated, patient gestures toward wholeness—made easier when you understand your brain, reduce your shame, and receive support that sees beneath the mask.

Summary Table: Executive Function and the Self

Domain	Neurotypical Functioning	Neurodivergent Challenges	Impact on Self
Emotional Regulation	Manages feelings flexibly and contextually	Shutdown, meltdown, or masking	Suppressed or explosive emotions
Inhibition	Can pause before acting or reacting	Impulsivity or over-controlled behaviour	Conflicted self-expression
Working Memory	Holds thoughts and intentions across time	Forgets goals, loses threads of experience	Fragmented sense of continuity
Cognitive Flexibility	Adapts to change, sees multiple perspectives	Rigid thinking, difficulty shifting	Fixed or shallow identity
Self-Monitoring	Tracks internal states and adjusts behaviour	Disconnect from self or overcorrection	Inauthentic or overly polished persona

Final Thoughts

 The false self is not inherently pathological. It is a survival strategy. But when it becomes the only self we show, it can erode intimacy, identity, and wellbeing.

Executive functions are central to how we regulate this gap between inner and outer life. For neurodivergent individuals, the gap is often wider, and the cost of closing it more intense. Recognising the role of EF in masking and identity can guide us toward more compassionate, targeted interventions.

The goal is not to unmask entirely, but to make the mask optional, flexible, and more aligned with who we really are.

Written by Kirstan Lloyd, Clinical Psychologist

Founder of the Helix Centre, a UK-based psychology and psychotherapy practice specialising in neurodiversity, mental health, and therapeutic assessment. This article was written by Kirstan with the support of AI research tools and is grounded in recent literature from psychology, neuroscience, and trauma-informed care.

References

• Belcher, H. (2021). Masking – The Impact on Mental Health and Identity. Presentation and booklet.

• Biggs, L. (2020). Taking Off the Mask. Personal memoir.

• Bradley, L., et al. (2021). Camouflaging and Mental Health. Autism.

• Doncaster EPS. (2020). Masking Quick Guide.

• Miller, K., Rees, J., & Pearson, A. (2021). Masking Is Life. Autism in Adulthood.

• Morgan-Trimmer, R. (2020). How to Be Autistic. Book.

• Pearson, A., & Rose, K. (2021). A Conceptual Analysis of Autistic Masking. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.

• Sedgewick, F., Hull, L., & Ellis, H. (2021). Autism and Masking. Book.

• Sato, A., et al. (2025). Impact of Autism Spectrum Disorder Traits and Social Camouflaging on Presenteeism Among Japanese White-Collar Workers. Psychiatry International.

• Gentil-Gutiérrez, A., et al. (2022). Executive Functions in Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.

• Rumball, F., Happé, F., & Grey, N. (2020). Experience of Trauma and PTSD Symptoms in Autistic Adults. Autism Research.

• Letby, J., et al. (2025). The Letby Model: A Diagnostic Complexity Framework. Journal of Clinical Forensic Psychology.

(Note: References were used for conceptual framing and clinical accuracy. This is not an academic article.)