When the Parent Is Also Autistic: Why Parenting Support Must Consider Neurodiversity

When a child is diagnosed with Autism, sometimes a parent discovers something too.

When we consider Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), children and child development are often the primary focus. From diagnostic pathways and classroom support to parenting strategies and early intervention, the child remains at the centre of attention. While this focus is understandable, it often comes with a series of implicit assumptions that may have unintentional negative consequences. Today, I want to examine the presumption that the child is the only neurodivergent person in the family system.

Autism Is Heritable: Why the Stats Matter

As Autism diagnoses continue to rise in children, many parents are beginning to ask important questions not just about their child, but about themselves. For many, their child’s diagnostic journey becomes a mirror. Familiar traits begin to stand out. Behaviour that once felt like personal failure now appears in a new light. And for mothers in particular, this recognition often comes after years of stress, exhaustion, or simply feeling different.

In my clinical training, I was taught that when diagnosing Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in children, it is best practice to screen parents and siblings as well. This is because ADHD is highly heritable, with estimates ranging from 74 to 80 percent.

A similar pattern emerges in Autism, with heritability estimates between 56 and 95 percent. In practical terms, many parents of Autistic children may themselves be Autistic, whether formally diagnosed or not. Despite this, most Autism frameworks continue to focus only on the child, operating under the presumption that the parents are neurotypical.

In the UK, approximately one in 34 children aged 10 to 14 have an Autism diagnosis. Among adults, the estimate is 1.1 percent, although this is likely conservative, especially for women whose presentations are often missed or misunderstood.

Yet most parenting support systems, interventions, and even research studies still proceed as if the parent is neurotypical.

Increased Rates of Diagnosis and Late Diagnosis: Shifts Over the Generations

As Autism diagnoses continue to rise among children, another shift is taking place. More adults are beginning to question whether they may be Autistic themselves. For many, their child’s assessment becomes a turning point for self-reflection. What was once interpreted as personal struggle, such as social fatigue, sensory overload, or difficulty adapting to change, now begins to make sense. Many describe this as an aha moment, where the missing puzzle piece finally clicks into place.

Why Autism Diagnoses Are Increasing

• There is greater emphasis on early identification and intervention, making professionals more aware of how Autism presents in children

• Public awareness has improved among parents, educators, healthcare providers, and peers

• Diagnostic criteria have become broader and more inclusive, better capturing the diversity of the spectrum

• Reduced stigma has encouraged more people to seek support and assessment

• Younger generations, especially Gen Z, are more familiar with neurodiversity and mental health. Many young people self-identify after researching their symptoms, or after peers reflect traits back to them. This level of insight is a significant shift from earlier generations, where mental health was often minimised or misunderstood

  
  

Why Adults Receive a Late Diagnosis

• Adult assessments are harder to access, more expensive, and less well advertised than those for children

• Diagnostic tools were historically designed around male presentations, leading to underdiagnosis in women and those Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB)

• Many adults, especially those in caregiving or professional roles, mask their traits to fit in, making them harder to detect

• Autism awareness has only recently expanded to include adult and female profiles in a meaningful way

• Autistic traits can be difficult to recognise from the inside. Adults may know they struggle with focus, perfectionism, or rigid thinking, but they may not realise these traits relate to Autism. Instead, they often seek help for stress, anxiety, insomnia, depression, burnout, or relationship difficulties, never realising that these symptoms are connected to an underlying neurodevelopmental profile

  
  

Autistic Mothers: Misunderstood, Undersupported

Autistic women and AFAB individuals are often missed during childhood. Many develop advanced coping strategies to mask their differences and internalise their distress. Diagnosis, if it happens at all, is often prompted by their child’s journey through assessment and support.

Research suggests that over 60 percent of Autistic mothers only recognised their own Autism after their child was diagnosed. Even in clinical settings, these women are rarely asked about their sensory profiles, executive functioning challenges, or anxiety levels. Parenting support continues to rest on assumptions of emotional availability, flexibility, and intuitive social communication. These expectations may not reflect the lived experience of Autistic parents.

Stress and Anxiety: A Neurological Baseline

Autistic individuals often report higher baseline levels of stress and anxiety compared to neurotypical peers. This is not simply about poor coping. It is embedded in the biology of Autism. Studies show that Autistic adults may have higher levels of cortisol, the hormone linked to stress, and altered functioning in the amygdala, the part of the brain that detects threats.

For Autistic mothers, this heightened stress response can make the unpredictability of parenting feel overwhelming. What might seem like a small change to someone else, such as a cancelled appointment or a child resisting bedtime, can trigger intense emotional and physical responses that are entirely valid within an Autistic neurological framework.

Autism-Specific Anxiety: A Distinct Profile

Autistic anxiety is not always the same as generalised anxiety. It often includes:

• Distress over changes in routine or environment

• Preoccupation with narrow and intense interests

• Anxiety triggered by sensory input, such as loud noises or scratchy clothing

• Fears that seem unusual to others but are deeply rooted in the individual’s nervous system

These anxiety profiles are rarely captured in standard assessments and are almost never addressed in mainstream parenting programmes.

Parenting Through a Different Lens

Autism can shape the parenting experience in subtle and often misunderstood ways. For example:

• Social-emotional reciprocity: Some mothers may find it difficult to recognise or respond to their child’s emotions, even if they care deeply

• Nonverbal communication: Difficulty with eye contact or tone of voice may create moments of misattunement between parent and child

• Attachment and social relationships: Some Autistic mothers may find it hard to build emotionally expressive relationships. Without a support network, parenting can feel even more isolating

• Insistence on sameness: Routines and predictability may help the parent feel grounded, but conflicts can arise when a child resists that structure

• Special interests: These may either enhance connection or compete with caregiving demands. Interruptions to focused activities may cause irritability or withdrawal

• Sensory sensitivities: Children are often loud and unpredictable, which can overwhelm a parent who is sensitive to noise or touch

• Executive functioning challenges: Planning, multitasking, and flexible thinking are all vital to parenting and can become major sources of strain

  
  

When these realities are not recognised or supported, burnout becomes a real risk. Autistic mothers may appear outwardly capable but feel emotionally exhausted and blame themselves for struggling in ways that others seem to manage with ease.

Reimagining Parenting Support Through a Neurodiverse Framework

The parenting support landscape must change. Generic approaches built on neurotypical assumptions will never be fully effective for Autistic parents or their children.

We need support that reflects and respects neurodivergent ways of thinking and relating. This includes:

• Recognition of Autistic traits in parents

• Strengths-based assessments that do not pathologise difference

• Flexibility around communication and attachment styles

• Adjustments for sensory, cognitive, and emotional needs

Autistic parenting is not a deficit. It is simply different. That difference deserves the same respect, creativity, and support we give to neurodivergent children.

Final Thoughts

To support Autistic children well, we must support their families as a whole. This means recognising when a parent is also neurodivergent and making space for that experience in how we understand family dynamics.

When we honour the complexity of Autistic parenting, we help parents thrive. We prevent burnout. We improve outcomes for children and caregivers alike. And we build a more compassionate world where no parent feels broken simply for being different.

Written by Kirstan Lloyd, Clinical Psychologist & Psychotherapist

Kirstan Lloyd is the founder of Helix Centre, a UK-based psychology and psychotherapy practice specialising in neurodiversity, complex mental health, and assessment. Her work bridges clinical insight with lived experience, advocating for inclusive, compassionate approaches to care, for both children and the adults who raise them.

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